Dissociation
by Enboumay
Summary: Spoilers for The Last Jedi. An examination of thoughts during one specific scene. Kylo Ren wants to kill his mother.


Dissociation

Summary: Spoilers for The Last Jedi. An examination of thoughts during one specific scene. Kylo Ren wants to kill his mother.

* * *

There are some times when Kylo Ren curses his Force sensitivity. This feels like it should be one of those times, as the Resistance ship grows bigger in his field of vision. He knows his mother is on the bridge. He can sense her sadness, her anger, her resolve. His finger moves over the trigger, ready to fire and destroy her.

Kylo Ren wants to kill his mother. He wants to kill her because she trusted Luke, because she wanted her son trained in the ways of the Jedi, because she gave birth to him. He wants to kill her because she continued Anakin Skywalker's bloodline, dooming him to a life of misery, pain, death, and anguish. He knows that by killing her, he can finally kill off that small part of him that longs for her love and acceptance.

His hand tenses, the button right there for him to press. _I love you,_ his mother's voice echoes in his head.

He remembers hugs, melancholy. He is eight years old again, and it is night. He can hear soft crying from the living quarters, so he leaves his bedroom and quietly wanders into the other area. His mother is sitting on a couch, tears running down her face. His father is nowhere to be seen.

"Mom?" Ben asks.

"Oh, I didn't mean to wake you, sweetheart," his mother says, quickly wiping her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Dad's left, hasn't he?" the boy solemnly inquires.

He watches as Leia's face crumples again, more tears leaking from her eyes. "Yes, Ben. He left with Chewy about an hour ago."

Ben sits down next to his mother. She wordlessly wraps her arms around him in a comforting embrace. Normally Ben was not one for physical affection, but he's broadcasting disappointment and sorrow so strongly that even his mother can pick up on it without use of the Force. "He didn't say good-bye to me," he says, and now there are tears running down his cheek that he cannot remember crying.

His mother is holding him tightly. "I know, Ben. I'm so sorry."

The boy takes a deep, shuddering breath. "He doesn't love us, does he?"

It seems like his mother's arms pull him even closer. "Your father will always love you, Ben. Don't forget that. It might seem like he's left us, or that he doesn't love us, but you know that's not true. It hurts, right now, but in time the pain will go away and you'll be stronger for it."

Leia speaks as if from experience. Ben doesn't say anything in response, tactfully not pointing out that she never said that his father loved her, too. They stayed cuddled together like that for a while, both offering support to the other. Eventually Leia tucks Ben into bed, kissing him on his head and telling him that she will always be there for him.

That was probably why it was easier for him to kill Han Solo. He knew his father loved him, in some small ways, but he had hurt his mother so much. And true to her word, Leia had been there for him, when he needed her. She was warm, and kind, and protective in ways that Han never was. She gave him life, love, and taught him all that she could.

Kylo Ren wants to kill his mother, but really, he does not. So his hand moves away from the trigger and he sighs. But the tension he senses from his mother is still there, and it's too late as other units fly past him and the bridge of the Resistance ship explodes.

He tries not to let the distraught emotions get to him. It takes about 20 seconds for Kylo Ren to realize that he can _still sense his mother_ and she's not yet dead; he has to work quickly if he wants to ensure that she stays alive.

Closing his eyes, he can see her perfectly in space. She's much stronger with the Force than most people realize, so it only takes a small push to get her to move towards the ship, cloaked in her own "defense mechanism" of the force. He subtly influences the minds of the people on the ship, getting them to look out and see the General floating towards an airlock. It is with relief that he watches, eyes still shut, as the Resistance fighters gather her up and rush her to the medbay.

Kylo Ren does not want to kill his mother. Despite the turbulence of _choice_ floating around in his mind, he knows that killing her will not make his options easier. So he helps her to live instead, because she loves him, because he loves her, and because despite his attempts he just cannot cut out that little part of him that wants to be close to people again.

 _Maybe_ , he thinks as he returns to his ship, _maybe I've made the right decision_.

* * *

Notes: This story kinda started one way and evolved into something else. It struck me how Ren was able to cut down Han with minimal internal struggling, but there was a lot of angst in his decision about firing on the bridge of the Resistance ship. In my head cannon, he definitely helps Leia use the Force to get back to the ship, because he can't let that part of him go and because he still loves her.

Please review with your own theories, I love reading that stuff. Please also leave constructive criticism, because as much as I'm pleased with this story I think it's missing something, too.


End file.
